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my parents (who are musicians and music teachers) always said that those who cannot play music become musicologists, and would have little sayings about how those who are unable to create the work should not be the gatekeepers sitting around writing little theories about the work. whatever i know 0 things about musicology besides what my musician parents say when they talk shit about musicologists, apparently professional musicians enjoy talking smack about musicologists when shootin the shit in their hangs, the more you know

as i’ve gotten older i’ve thought a lot about how i really don’t like writing things that are not my own original work, and how for me there is something very soul-sucking about only ever writing things that are critiques or theoretical interpretations of someone else’s work (which was why ultimately i don’t think i ever want to return to academia unless it’s to teach creative writing or sit around on a writing fellowship)

there’s a way in which academia takes a lot of our passion and molds it to its needs and then we are thrust out into communities that are centralized around a lot of the same patterns as academia (most queer circles tbh) and that passion turns to a lot of bitterness. i’ve noticed the less i write my own art and the more i talk shop about others art, the more vinegar gets stored up in my heart and my mind and my rhetoric. pretty sure you could make pickles in my soul, is what i’m sayin

i’m really proud to write for autostraddle and really fuckin proud of what they are as a safe space for queer media and i owe them like 99.9% of my readership and my confidence in what i write. but i look back at some of the things i’ve written for autostraddle and i almost wish they hadn’t been published so soon, because i feel like the site and their audience deserves better from me, or at least something that wasn’t so dipped in the bitter. the bitter bucket is an easy place for a queer writer to get dunked into, i think, and it’s hard sometimes to get up and walk away. i see a lot of emotions pickling in my writing and i feel like i don’t want to bring any more vinegar to queer media. i want to bring original interesting things that aren’t so reliant on bitterness and angry masturbation over shit someone more articulate than me has angry wanked to already

all of this is to say that my motto for this year and the years to follow in my writing career is:

less pickles, more art

"I think it’s really, scarily important that we ask ourselves why so many people will read and write m/m and m/f fanfiction, but will state their disinterest in femslash as a “preference.” As queer people and lady people and queer lady people, why are we putting so much energy and passion into the fictional exploits of conventionally attractive white cis men and their squeaky clean buttholes? Why are we so quick to make excuses for why we don’t like to read or write about people who share our identities and experiences? Doesn’t that feel like something important and big?"

— that femslash article i talked about? it’s up. and it’s got a bit of a take no prisoners attitude